Rudding Holiday Park, Follifoot, Harrogate, North Yorkshire
   
It's always daunting meeting people you have only chatted to on the internet for the first time. In fact, arranging meetings with people you have only met through chat rooms is not a wise move. So it was with some trepidation that we approached the Go Touring Rally 2 at Rudding Park, Harrogate. You are always warned that people on the internet may not be who they claim to be online. How true this is!    
We were greeted by rally marshal "Doc" as he prefers to be called on the Go-Touring forums. However, it soon became apparent that our marshal was no other than David Blain, taking a well deserved weekend away from his glass box suspended above the Thames. He kept to entertained for hours with his card tricks and levitations. He must have worked his magic on the weather also, as Summer sunshine beat down, despite being late September. Talk to the hand, Doc!  
I would never have guessed that Cally27uk was just a pseudonym for Nancy Reagan. Here she is pictured outside her caravan with husband and former president of the USA, Ronald. Seated behind them are a group of travelling vagrants who had stumbled onto this lovely caravan site. They were quite harmless at first but as the evening progressed they became a little rowdy, probably due to the amount of alcohol they were consuming. Ronald suggested we should "nuke 'em", however, Nancy thought that this may be a little extreme and thought it might be more appropriate to ask the warden to 'move them on.'
 
Next to make an appearance was Zsa Zsa Gabor, or Maisy as she calls herself on the Go-Touring website, pictured here in one of her favourite rallying outfits. She was telling the wife that the dress was made from gortex, so was breathable and waterproof, and at only £30 from Millets a bargain to boot. She came to ask the rowdy revelers to be a little more considerate for others on the site who were trying to enjoy a civilized rally. However, they took little notice of her complaints and carried on carousing, sharing drinks from a bottle of extra strength white cider which they passed around between them.  
  Go Touring regular, Tilly and her husband Alan, in reality are none other than celebrity couple Jack Ryder and Kim Marsh. Both seasoned rallies, they were prepared for every eventuality. As you can see behind them is their chiminea. Since it was now beginning to turn dark, and the party of tramps were refusing to leave and becoming more intoxicated by the minute, they thought it would be a good idea to light the chiminea and smoke the rabble out.
   
  After this suggestion, Eminem, or TopicAL as he prefers to be called within the Go-Touring website made an appearance. He'd been relaxing with a cup of tea, reading Practical Caravan magazine in his awning, but thought he'd come to Jack and Kim's aid and help gather some firewood to keep the chiminea going.
    
  I couldn't believe that the names Tony from Suffolk and Mags were in fact celebrity couple David and Victoria Beckham. They had only had their caravan a year and were quite new to this rallying lark. However, Victoria seemed to have it down to a tee and had the legs wound down, electric and water connected, wheel clamp in place and kettle on ready for a brew in under ten minutes. Unfortunately for them, they had pitched their caravan facing the party of inebriated unwelcome visitors, who far from being smoked out by Jack and Kim's chiminea were actually warming their hands upon it, and even talking about making some toast!
   
  Pictured above, outside his van, is Bigdrinks, a.k.a. Danny La Rue. He couldn't resist slipping into one of his stage outfits which he keeps in the under seat storage area and launched into a routine. "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No" he belted out. I couldn't believe that a man of his age could still kick up his legs so high. I tried to persuade him that such an outfit was not totally suitable for a rally field, especially such high heels. Not only this, but he was attracting some strange leering glances from the shabby group of drunkards who were still not budging from the chiminea. Oh, by the way, he'd sewn all the sequins on himself, you know!
   
  One of the late arrivals, on Friday night was none other than Melinda Messenger, or Caz as she is known to her friends in the portals of Go- Touring. She skillfully erected her abode, despite the failing light, and even found time to challenge some wandering urchins, offspring of the very worse for drink party of travellers, to game of Bey Blades.
   
  Seasoned ralliers Gaz and his wife, in reality are none other than Dennis and Baroness Thatcher. They opted to not bother with electric hook up, and run their caravan off the battery and fridge off gas. Despite rumours circulating that he was dead, Dennis was the picture of health, and said that since his and Maggie's retirement, they have found much more time to attend rallies or peruse and contribute to Go-Talking forums under their nom de plume, Gaz. However, they decided to give the undisciplined gathering a wide birth around the chiminea a wide birth, as they now had finished off the last dregs of cider and cheap sherry, and were now in the process of syphoning fuel out of the towing vehicles and having a crack at drinking that.
   
  Fellow Buccaneer owners, Harry and wife, in the flesh are none other than Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Like us, it was their first rally, and were quite unsure of what to expect. Brad and I chatted caravans, and he told me that he too had previously owned a Buccaneer Elan 15, end kitchen model, but that was in the days when he was dating Gwyneth Paltrow. Brad apparently was having trouble with his car all weekend and most of the fellow campers kept popping along if they could see what was wrong. In the end, we all concluded, that you get what you pay for and these cheap foreign imports are nothing but trouble. We advised him to get shut and purchase himself something more reliable, a ford mondeo, perhaps.
    
  Earl Evans of Sprot, or should I say Doncaster land owner and night club impresario Peter Stringfellow, was yet another attendee of the rally. Here he is returning to his caravan, with his chilled champagne, where he had two young female companions awaiting him. He informed me that he had met the ladies in question at the Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen's Club, Harrogate, where they were working as dancers. They were wanting to make it into movies, and he was just the man to help them with their career. "Don't come a knockin', if the caravans a rockin," he quipped over his shoulder, as he popped his cork (champagne) and entered. (the caravan)
    
  Here's Pam.Golton, or should I say the Honorary Sue Nicholls giving us a quick flash. She really didn't need such a big coat such weather, but you know what they say, big coat, big caravan and hers was simply enormous. You could always count on Sue for keeping an eye on things, and at one point became quite concerned that Earl Evans/Peter Stringfellow may have left his kettle on as his windows were steaming up quite badly.
    
  Pictured outside their outfit, are newly weds, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, or Lizarda as she prefers to call herself when browsing the Go-Touring website. She was going to throw one of her famous strops at they unruly shenanigans that was taking place around the chiminea, but husband Guy pacified her and they ended up joining in the high jinks, clapping a rhythm in time with the creakings coming from the Earl's caravan.
    
  Late Saturday afternoon, who should turn up from deepest Barnsley but Itsamam, none other than camp comic Julian Clary. The rabble still hadn't budged from the chiminea, even when a few drops of rained threatened to spoil play. It would take more than a few drops of water to disperse that crowd, though Julian was a little concerned that his mascara may be smudged. Bigdrinks, however, allowed Julian to borrow some of his Max Factor waterproof mascara so the evening would be no wash out.
    
  Casting an eye over the campers equipment, i.e.. tow bars, stabilizers etc was Tony M. When not presenting his hilarious TV shows Jeremy Beadle runs his own tow bar business under his pseudonym of Tony M and had turned up this weekend to check other the other ralliers hitches. He was suitably impressed with Brads/Harry's tow bar which withdrew into itself. Mind you, it did turn quite cold at night.
    
  Well, if you can't beat 'em, join em, laughed Dave Elcome a.k.a. Robbie Williams, pictured here outside his outfit. The travelling vagabonds were showing no signs of budging and looked as if they were here for the duration. So the stars, celebrities and upper crust Hoi Polloi, mingled and rubbed shoulders with the drunken common people and a great time was had by all. Here's to the next Go Touring rally.